Rabbis For Human Rights - North America

Divrei Torah

“A certain non-Jew came before Shammai and said to him, ‘I will convert to Judaism, on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot.’ Shammai chased him away... He came before Hillel and said to him, ‘Convert me.’ Hillel said to him, ‘What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor: that is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary; go and learn it.” (Shabbat 31A)

Reflections and Guidance on 9/11

Responding Pastorally in Advance of the 9/11 Anniversary: Reflections and Guidance

 

by Rabbi Nancy Wiener

 

Since last September 11, many of us have participated in and heard discussions about ways to commemorate the 10th Anniversary of 9/11. Instinctively, we know that as each year has passed our connection to it has changed and we know that milestone anniversaries bring their own reactions. The Jewish tradition is very clear about the importance of collective grief and reflection on the anniversary of devastating events—the destructions of the Temple and, more recently, the Shoah are times when we gather together, recall our collective loss and mourn as a community. The Gemara rules: “aseh d’rabim – a positive mitzvah incumbent on the community” overrides “aseh d’yachid – a positive mitzvah incumbent on the individual” [Moed Katan 14b]. So important is collective grief that a mourner is allowed to get up from Shiva to join the community on Tisha B’Av. (Lamm, The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning).

But what happens to the mourner whose loss and grief actually coincide with the day of destruction? Ten years ago members of all of our communities experienced personal losses on or near September 11 that were unrelated to the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. In the midst of our nation’s collective grief, these mourners suffered from intense invisibility. Their pain was real, yet their ability to mourn in accustomed ways, to feel full support and care of friends and community, was seriously compromised. Our hearts and minds were elsewhere. We were tending to the needs of the entire community, as well as our own needs, and had less to give these families. In subsequent years, these Yahrzeits on the Jewish calendar have not regularly coincided with September 11. Yet, in a very real sense, for these mourners the associations with that date continue to accompany their mourning process each year.

In this week’s parsha, we read about a recently orphaned young woman and her “need [to] bewail her father and her mother a full month;” (Deuteronomy 21:13). In his commentary on this verse, Ibn Ezra comments: “Every person must have time to honor his/her father and mother in life and in death.” Later in the parsha we are reminded of our on-going obligations to support and sustain the widow and the orphan (Deuteronomy 24:19-22). There is no statute of limitations on this injunction. Rather, their status as orphan and widow continue with them well into the future. Coming together with community for Yizkor allows us to connect to others in our renewed pain and loss, relating to each other through our shared identity as mourners. Marking Yahrzeits with community and in the privacy of our homes, honors our continued status as mourners, as we experience a flood of memories and emotions on the anniversary.

Ten years ago, in addition to their normal reactions to grief to their personal losses, this particular cohort of families had to manage the hurt, confusion, and resentment that the absence of the community’s full care and concern likely engendered. As we look to this year, we have the opportunity to take some concrete steps to offer these widows and orphans our support. We can contact families in the days and weeks prior to 9/11, to see how they’re doing. Anniversary reactions often begin days or weeks prior to the actual date and reach a crescendo on the anniversary itself. Our simple act of reaching out can reduce their sense of invisibility and help them know there are people and institutions to which they can turn. Just as we do with mourners during their initial period of intense grief, we can ask specific questions about interrupted sleeping and eating patterns, loss of focus, and mood swings, to help normalize these anniversary reactions and to remind people about the need for self-care. We can also assess if there is a need for some community intervention—meals to be delivered, extra calls from the caring committee. Most important, we can learn from the mourners themselves what they think will be most helpful for them on this anniversary—being with friends and family, participating in communal events, finding distractions. Once we learn what they’d like, we can help them explore ways to make the necessary plans. We can also discuss different ways that they might ritualize this anniversary or seek new forms of healing. Perhaps, if there is a larg enough cohort in the congregation or community, we can consider organizing a group gathering. Together clergy and these invisible mourners can acknowledge 9/11 as Americans and as Jews we can lend each other support for these personal losses. This year, as our nation mourns the 10th anniversary of its collective loss, we can reach out with care and compassion to these once invisible widows and orphans so that on the 10th anniversary of their personal losses they do not once again feel like strangers in our midst.